I'm Looking for Love, Real Love......

So, I see around me my friends in their new, full of PDA, in love relationships. I remember that feeling of excitement, anticipation from a text or phone call, the feeling of wooziness of being together, and pure happiness. I wish I could retain those feelings forward four years later. I love my boyfriend but can I say that I’m in love not even 80%. There are a few things I wish he would change for himself and for us to have a future together. But as I speak to my friends both male and female, would you risk happiness over loneliness… I mean here I am been bed ridden for the last week, I’ve needed up getting in and out of bed, he helped me in the shower, cooked for me, and has seen me at my worse moments ( sans make-up and hair did ). So he loves me more than anyone besides my mom, he has no family that he can rely on, because I’m all he has. With that said, I want to love and be in love 100% head over heels and make me so unbelievably madly in love. I want this, I need this, so why can’t I have it. I know I need to make some changes in my life because maybe being alone is better than being.
Carrie : “I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love. And I don’t think that love is here in this expensive suite in this lovely hotel in paris”

Carrie Bradshaw
Sex & the City

Is it a Romantic gesture or a Desperate gesture

I had lunch with one of my girlfriends and were catching up and male bashing as we do. After a few glasses of wine, I asked about her new fling, she had been went on to say that this new guy she has been seeing or dating ( what really is the difference, I think it’s pretty much the same) for a month  has been a complete dream boat. He calls, texts, he even brings her favorite flowers, white tulips, they go on dates. So, when he had to have his tonsils removed she visited him at his home with a “get well” basket with popsicles, pudding, homemade mashed potatoes and gravy, his favorite Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, a few magazines of his liking, a picture she had taken with him and his friends  in a frame, and of course a get well card she signed with a heart next to his name, a heart drawn by her name.  Now, you gotta know that my friend uses a little shaped hearts at the end of her name and friends names, as we use emoticons, exclamation points, or whatever, to express ourselves. To me I would love that thoughtfulness to be reciprocated for myself when I am sick. So, she felt like this was a sweet gesture, since we know how much men tend to be babies when they are sick. But, it was the complete opposite according to Mr. Dream Boat, he looked at the basket, read the card, and can you believe he gave her the silent treatment and said he wasn’t up to company, asked her to leave. No thank you or anything,  I asked her what did she say to that, he just rolled over and she left. Now, most woman would replay this like a movie over and over again, over analyze it to no end, but not her she just took it as he didn’t feel well and that was it. Well, when she called him the next day, no answer, he put her through his voicemail. Finally, after 3 days since her visit, he texts her to say he wasn’t interested in her, he completely thought she was being a little too much, that she was moving a little too fast. All because she of the framed picture and the hearts on the card. OMG! Men are complete idiots, I told her he was just an insecure moron who didn’t deserve her at all! I have to wonder why is it ok for men to be sincere but when a woman returns the sincerity, its like she is this two-headed monster out of her element. Here is a great quote to put it in perspective: ” When men attempt bold gestures, generally it’s considered romantic. When women do it, it’s often considered desperate or psycho”. Thanks Carrie Bradshaw- Sex & the City, I couldn’t have said it better!

And in life, there’s no safety net….

When you’re young, your whole life is about pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up an learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don’t leap at all because there’s not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there’s no safety net. With that said it’s funny I think back how when I was younger, I would go out 5 days a week, work all day, go out with my friends till 3am and up for work the next day at 8am. I would never think about the what if’s because I didn’t feel the worries that I do now. I have a real grown up job, dogs, and responsibilities that have made that ” pursuit if fun ” travel in a slightly different path, at least for me! Gosh, I go out for a nice dinner with drinks or wine, then to a bar or out and after and 3 drinks and a few shots I’m done for the night. But, when it comes to love, I think you have to look around for that safety net. Nobody goes into a relationship without caution now a days. I mean it’s not till 6 months into it, that you see the real person that faces you now. I call this the “dating associate” because does he or she really keep the house sparkling clean, or realize that cute habit in the beginning was adorable but now drives you up the wall. Or how about the way he leaves the toilet seat up, leaves his socks and shoes on the coffee table. I could go on and on but these are the love traps we are walking right into. We are so fooled sometimes because we want love and a relationship so bad that we don’t take off the blinders. So open your eyes, look around for that safety net, who cares that you would rather take small steps to the leaps and bounds others take in life and love. If those cute little habits annoy you know they will definitely annoy you 5 years down the road. I want unconditional, mind blowing, make butterflies in my stomach, kind of life and love. Maybe instead of baby steps I may just skip to whatever life has in store for me!

Can you really forgive if you can't forget

So I have been laid up the last week from an injury self-inflicted, it’s called old age. Anyway, amongst my recuperation I receive a phone call from 2 old friends from when we lived in Miami, that were in Nola for the weekend and wanted to catch up. It’s strange because we were all transplanted to Miami, be it because of school, work, and the military. I was there because I was married and my ex husband was in the Coast Guard. None of us had any family there nor could we be with our families when we wanted. We would all get for all holidays, birthdays, and go out to the beach on the weekends. There were 16 of us “homeless” as the boys called it. We were a tight nit family. I remember crying at our going away party,I was gonna miss these great group of people who touched my life. My two pals who visited was Aaron and Hunter they were my favorites, always joking and laughing at anything that came their way. I loved hanging out with those two because it was always some funny story that came about. I was a little nervous to see them, don’t get me wrong I was totally excited after 7 years apart. Yeah we talked on Facebook but sitting down and seeing them was different. See, when I divorced it was very unexpected, I was madly in love. Our friends couldn’t believe that he left me, and I was so emotionally distraught. But time went on as so did I, and thought I wouldn’t feel these flood of emotions from my past. So, we meet for dinner, we all can’t believe we haven’t seen each other in so long. I was worried I had aged in my 7 years, but was told otherwise by my guys. Then, the stories of all the good times we had, our weekly dinners I would prepare for everyone, and what happened to my marriage. I hadn’t felt like something was missing until that moment. I guess I just swept my old feelings and emotions under the rug. I remember thinking ” I was so happy, my life was fulfilling, and had everything I wanted. So, I thought, my memories of my past were flooding my mind. This man I shared a great life with together just decided to move on without me. Can you really forgive if you can’t forget,,,, I would like to think so because maybe there was a different path I was to be on at this point in my life. Maybe I deserve to be with someone who will love all of me and not just some of me. We are told as young adults we should forgive and forget. But what if you try to forget just to forgive so that you can move on from this emotional moment in your life. As much as I try to block that time, maybe I should forgive and forget the pain and remember the good times and people I met through our marriage. I am stronger and almost to my happy place. I have hopes and dreams for my future and hope that forgiveness means forgetting my old wounds and move on to a happier future.

Love lost, Love won

We grow up believing that love is out there for all of us, you have this one chance of a great love or soul-mate, that is searching for us or vice versa. Who is to say there is one, we form all sorts of relationships through time, searching for the ONE! I remember my first love, I was 8 years old, his name was Jerry, we were next door neighbors, would play kiss and chase, he gave me his Dallas Cowboys jacket to wear, went camping with his family, and he moved away months later. Then there was Paul, we were in the 7th grade, he asked me to my first school dance ( even though it was the Halloween Costume Dance, I dressed as a Rocker, he as a baseball player ) and gave me my first official kiss. I was so excited, we would hold hands, walk me to class, exchange notes and have lunch together. After our 2 month courtship, the devastating news: he decided he liked my friend instead of me. I remember crying on the bus home. Fast forward to my high school boyfriend, Danny, gosh I thought the moon of him. Totally, in love for the first time, my first real relationship ( funny when I think about it, we were only in High School and I thought he was my future ) we were inseparable, we had so much fun together I spent many of birthdays and holidays with him and his family. He gave me a promise ring, I knew he was the one and I loved this kid. I lost my virginity to him, after he said those three little words: I LOVE YOU! But as the story goes, after 3 years he moved on and broke my heart. I cried for days, months, and I was so certain I would never love anyone again like him. But, I did get over him and met my ex-husband, we fell for each other like fire. I knew I wanted to marry this man, to spend the rest of my life together. We were so different, I was from a big city, him a small town, I was catholic, he was Baptist, our backgrounds couldn’t have any different but, we knew it would work because we loved each other so much. We had a beautiful wedding, built our first home, lived our lives to the fullest, but I guess something was missing. Because no matter how much love I had for him, he fell in love with someone else. I have never been truly hurt or as heart-broken as I was in that point of my life. I thought losing my father years before was bad, but this had topped all other pain I had experienced. I never thought I would get over this heart-break, the divorce, and the moving on from this person who was my best friend, my lover, my family, and the person I was to grow old with. Do you question: was he really the ONE, was he my soul-mate, do you trust your heart again. How do you open heart to love again, how do you believe in love ever after when you have love lost and love won several times in your own life. Do you give up on the chance of love, I did make it from that experience of love lost and I did love again, but was it the ONE TRUE LOVE that I have been searching for. I don’t know yet but, I will make it a journey to find it. For now I will love all those around me until love finds me. Some people only experience the love of their life, one time and some have to kiss a lot ( and I mean ALOT ) of frogs to find their one Prince or Princess for a happily ever after.

Home Alone

I can remember as a teenager, I couldn’t wait to be on my own, with my own house, no curfew, no responsibilities from the parentals. I moved to Florida to live with my Aunt and Uncle, then to my ex-husbands mother’s home with him (we were building our house needless to say it wasn’t the best of circumstances), finally to our own home. Even after my divorce I lived with my family until I found my own place. It was great except not much furniture, I was never home except to shower, sleep, or it was the meeting place for the night on the town with all of my friends. Then I meet the present boyfriend, fell madly in love and I moved in together way too soon. Needless to say I have never really lived on my own to appreciate life on my own. I wish now I would’ve made better choices back then to really have live the single life as an adult who wasn’t using her previous home as a sleep, eat, and drink station. I appreciate my alone time, reading a book, cooking what I want, drinking a glass of wine, not having to pick up after someone 24/7, and having a clean home to come too at the end of the day. All I can say is live life to the fullest and appreciate your time because it all changes when you involve someone else in your equation. I think now, that being Home Alone is probably the best feeling of being an adult.

Scandalous

I remember when I was a child growing up that you didn’t have the scandalous reports on cheating, affairs, and sexting being reported 24/7. How is that not to far ago our parents were happier, people believed in love and marriage. Now who is to say that love and marriage last a lifetime, I mean we are lucky to make it to 10 years. I remember when the 25 years of marriage was the Silver Wedding Anniversary. Now you’re lucky to make it ten years, that shouldn’t even be a Silver anniversary in this day and age, but it is. How is it that the Jesse James, The Arnold, Tiger Woods, Dave Letterman, and Eliot Splitzer (the list can go on forever) are public figures can justify these affairs, hookers, secret love child, with a slap on the wrist. Where is the remorse and not just for the viewers eyes, but the real true remorse for hurting their wives, children, and significant others. The media goes overboard but I too, am at fault by reading these headlines, to glorify their horrible actions, demeans the nature of faithfulness. Just because you fall in love and decide to marry, doesn’t mean it’s just for a few years until you grow tired from it for you to stray away. Marriage is a commitment between two people, the vows of matrimony : “ promise to be true, in good times and in bad, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, will love and honor, all the days of my life“. Wake up and take responsibility for your actions, we deserve honor and respect, not deceit and lies. Can we move forward to regaining control of our hearts and live from until death do us part.